Not a bad piece, nicely structured, ditch the dashes at the end of the lines it makes you look like a newbie, more internals and multi's would of helped improve the flow, quite good imagery wise and the story was nicely told, stuck to the topic well, i wasnt feeling the style switch sort of mid-way through, that threw the flow slightly in my opinion, but overall not a bad drop, a couple areas that could use work are the bar lengths, try to keep them all roughly 12-16 syllables per line, add more internals and multi's.

Not bad though, made for an ok read.

Props.