Though loose with shaky foundations and at times a bit too 'blah'.

I actually ended up liking it, for what it was. A first time piece that is simple, strong and the way you wrote it is kind of in the essence of what you were writing it about...

...nice start. But to build upon this, i suggest you compress a bit better by putting more meaning in smaller amount of words. Try and stay away from cliches when possible (nothing wrong with them when used sparingly and with meaning to the piece)..and er...well start off with that for now (sorry if that sounded patronising)..

..resp..