Not a bad piece, flow was its strong point, i liked the opening bar the mmost, made for a nice opener, could of used maybe a couple more multi's and internals here and there, possibly some wordplay or contradicting concepts to keep the reader held in suspense. I think it would suit you more to join up to the RB Topical League and try it out in there to a set topic, rather than just a random "Im dope" piece like this seemed to be. You might be better having to write emotionally and w/ distinctiove imagery in your pieces.

Just my two cents. .