It wasnt that good of a verse, multi's were there but basic as hell, no wordplay, you need to get over the "all my familys dying" concept, its obviously false and it just makes you seem like you wannabe from the 'ghetto' or something.

Extend your bar lengths, work on vocab, try to get the lines 12-16 syllables per line to perfect the flow, try adding subtle wordplay, get more imageric ad descriptive of the surroundings, try to get emotional and really explain in depth how the lead character was feeling as he witnessed these 'deaths' as it were.

Then you'll start to elevate.

Reply to my piece: Wonderful Women. .