OK, well im a vet here so like. . i'll leave constrctive critism for you, just dont take it personal and bitch afterwards. .


Bar lengths were ok in some parts but kept skipping, if your gonna write a piece make each line 12 to 16 SYLLABLES long in length. Internal rhyming will help with the flow a little more, but you were lacking internals in this piece. A couple of the bars ended with simplistic one syllable rhyming words, work on that, use mutli's at the ends of the lines, and also at the start of every third line if possible. Find your self a rhyme structure / pattern, because right now its all over the place and that shows while reading it, nothing too imageric or descriptive, the topic was actually kind of lame and didnt allow you to portray everything you meant, you seemed to be holding back on a lot of things, the chorus wasnt really doing a lot for me, just seemed to drag the piece down, it may sound better in audio, but IMO, it brought this piece down. Vocabulary was pretty basic, nothing really stood out to me as dope while reading, no cliche's or wordplay to keep the reader held captive and wanting to read more, those are key areas you should work on.

Ok, all in all it wasnt THAT bad, but you really need to work on a couple areas of writing a piece before you become dope. Sorry for the put downs, but you wanted critisism, and the best way to elevate is learning from your mistakes.

Reply to mine: Wonderful Women.