That was extremely plain, but it's the plainness that was apparently put there purposefully, it makes it true, not presumptuous, you're just telling a story.
The emotional value is there in wide veiw, it's obvious there were feelings spilling out with this, it seems you wanted to say more though...

It's rhyme scheme was strange but in a good way, some lines changed the rhyme suddenly which drew you in, and, though subconcsiously i asume, they were strategically placed at thinking points where it seemed you felt like emotion was all and everything...


Of course in every poem there are problems, the lines didn't flow together too well, they were quite all over the place, and although this is evidence of your actual feelings, poetry should channel this into an artistic, and unbiased veiw of your story.

You also seemed subdued and didn't throw out your idea's but sorted them to tell the truth if this poem was more abstract it would have been reminicsent with your 'soul' so to speak.

Overall it was an emotional and enjoyable peice as i actually wanted to read it, but it needed more concentration, and ironically, concentration comes by not concentating and just writing, try some stream of concsiousness, off the top of your head stuff
I bet it'll get better results...Good Peice