You had a very basic rhyme pattern / structure, and the whole 'mic check' thing isnt needed in a text piece like this. The short bars threw the flow in my opinion, but if you recorded this in audio, i agree that it would sound a lot better. More mulkti's / internal rhyming / wordplay would help you a lot, but you just have to keep at it and read some of the more respected heads pieces here, then learn from how they write and such, you'll elevate in time.
Reply to my drop:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=72095