i could see some emotion in it, but you gotta give it some more feeling, use all your senses hun, it'll add more lines and make it come alive, make it so we almost can feel ourselves there with you experincing exctaly what your going throu. it did feel kinda cut off at the end, but thats not always a bad thing leave it for ppl to guess. Post it up once you've written over again, its a good piece, but you can take it further, so lets see it, im watching for it
peace

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