Guest
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IP:
Some of the wording was a bit off. Could've been done of purpose. But if it was, weren't done to good enough effect.
Seemed like you wanted to channel emotions. And you chose a easy way to do that. Easy in the personal sense. But to the reader, it didn't come off too well. It became plain and unattached.
Still, as i said, i thought you were trying to channel emotions. It did have an innocence to it too. Which rescued it. Hard to pull off, but you didn't faulter completely.
..resp...
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