The topics been done before many a time, but its nice to see other peoples takes on it. I see you had multi's and such in there, your views came across pretty clearly but your flow was slightly lagging, evening the ammount of syllables per bar may help with that problem, its nothing major, just makes it easier for the reader to get into & holds their attention a little more. The last line was easily the standout in my opinion, that was nicely worded, portraid good and got your point across strongly. My only other advice would be to expand it next time, try for 20 Lines a verse instead of the 10 in this one cause it was a little too short to get into w/ so few lines. All in all not bad though,

Props.

Reply to mine = )