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Quote:

Originally posted by Left Standin
Arguements were heard as his dad begin leaving/

watch ya grammer nig....begin...shoulda been began

Never seen again just known as the creator of his soul/
Never knowing when he died so the kid wanted to be his dad, immortal/

nice entrance into immortal realm of thought...somewhat...

After living though the torment which was his birth/

grammar agin....through...lol...i gots to do it man!

He got to see his first glimpse of this place called earth/

A week old eyes barely open began to get ill/
With no money the mom had no way to pay the bill/

too simple...up your word complex....

So she dropped him off at his aunt's being the second to abandon/
Growing up unloved and mistreated as the hate grew within/
Just doing chores barely fed the immorality clicked in/

brought more depth to the immortality mentality....good

He left out from the house this is where the journey begins/

leading into the mentality....good...

Turned 13 years old just became a teenager who was foolish/

you shoulda brought more of a picture to the years to come....it seemed like you just jumped forward for no reason....

Dropped out of his eduction with "I'm too cool for this school shit"/
Got mixed up with the wrong crowd although he knew he could not demise/

demise is the end of...but your word usage makes you look like a dork to the "vocab elite" you cant demise a crowd "Got mixed up with a crowed in wich i brought forth my own demise" just an example

So he started doing drugs always seen with blood shot eyes/

nice...

The face was from a picture..It was his giver of soul/
As he shot two though his chest he found out..He wasn't immortal/

love ya endin...that was ill

*If it wasn't caught..His dad (Giver of soul) was the person who he killed in the end which meant neither were immortal*

your vocab n structure was elementary....but i felt the message you tried to convey in this piece...fa real...it was simple yet deep..n i dont know why.....dont worry though son...you'll elevate...fa real...nicely done

idigo