^ Lol. .

Im sure you know this concepts been done before Slik, however, dont let it take that away from you, you told the story pretty nicely, it could of used more Character Build up / descriptions about the folks mentioned so we could get a mental picture in our minds eye of what was going on, you had some internals there but they were often basic, Multi's is what you need to try introducing into your stuff to elevate now, the emotional side was there, story telling was there, you just need to build on your flow, internals & multi's, also - the hook was a lost cause in this piece - id delete it out, it takes the reader's thought away from the story, the multi is forced and "Animals Scurried, Your Gone" i wasnt feeling that line at all, aside from that i thought this was good, you have a lot of potential but elevation is the key!

Sorry for being harsh, im just tryna help you elevate, its constructive critisism, thats all.
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