i was kinda feeling it...
I can see what yo mean by writing from the heart... it comes across that way... but it really needs work. technically it is a shitty piece, I can't lie. But within it holds something that could be strong... there is potential lying in there....
advice...
I'd just recommend revising your shit before you say its complete...make sure it is what you want it to be. Don't rely soely on emotion when writing because then it sucks... seperate mind from heart.
peace

__________________
I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.