I guess I'll start with what was good.
Your flow was decent, I could feel it, but you should really ditch all the ~ things. they make the piece harder to read.
your style was okay, and you made a few attempt at wordplay, so that was alright.
My favourite lines were:
Quote:
cant compare~not tryin to put fear~but its there~
where? there~where?~ in Vochals stare/
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I liked the internal rhyming in that.
just some advise:
cut the net-gankstuh bullshit
it makes you look really bad, and makes your rhyme boring. thats why I'm the only person who's replied. Write about something that means something to you, put some emotion in it, cuz noone cares about you busting a cap in someone's ass.
Peace