^the storytelling aspect was the best part.

Your need to elevate like MAD. All your rhymes are with simple, one syllable words. Some of them didn't even rhyme.
You had no wordplay. You didn't use any metaphors or similes. I can understand you're just starting out, so just glance at a few pieces from guys like Camarac and Sand, and look at the depth of what they say. If you combine that with your storytelling, you have potential to be dope.
Also, you need a good topic. This was stupid. Everybody writes about shit like this. People getting shot, talking about gun violence and how ghetto you are. It's senseless. Write about something that means something to you. Love, Life, God. That sort of thing.
Up it a lot, kiddo, and you'll be decent
Peace

__________________
Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis