Lmfao @ Funda's Post, He's Going On My Moron List. .

I think the first guy amped this up waaaaay too much, dont get me wrong, it was decent, but it was a far cry from dope. A lot of the lines were too long to really get a type of flow going, it lacked any real multi's, the internals were all basic one / two syllable words, aside from that - you've got sooooo much potential to become a good writer, you have a lot of deeper-thought, but from this its like your struggling to word them correctly, they arent really shown what you want to say, they seemed bottled up. Another thing you should maybe work on, sometimes you try rhyming all in one line, that kinda threw me at first, and im pretty sure it will others, maybe you should break them up like this:

Avoid gettin higher than I already am.
Work till I retire? What a fuckin sham!
You go to church and hear the choir!
I'm a stay live wire and fuckin high flyer!

^ See how that goes better? Its just a little thing, but it would really help you if you structured it like that. Anyways, you have the potential there, just build on it, keep practicing, you elevate w/ experience.
Hope i helped a little.

Eace-Pay!

__________________
W o r d P e r f e c t