I didnt like this piece too much actually, the flow was really choppy, i couldnt get into it, maybe alter the line lengths out so their more equal syllable wise, i try for 12-16 syllables per line toi get my flow downpacked. Also, add more multi's and internals, they make the flow stronger and build the structure of open mic pieces. The vocab to this was decent, could be improved slightly, also, next time, try rhyming to a set topic such as "Death" or "The Future" because peole drop pieces like this all the time, and reading the same type of thing over and over gets repetitive and unattractive to the reader, try to be more original.

Hope that helped you some. Keep practicing.

Peace!

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