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Old 09-22-03, 11:27 AM   #12
self
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Posts: 4,521
From: Climbing a mesa
IP:

Wow I haven’t done one of these true break downs in a while…*grabs the sandpaper – scraps of the rust, alright here we go*

Evolve-
You’ve got a distinctness that reflects you so personally. Even though its not all real, you make things seem like its your actual life, and those are your feelings. You’ve got an ability to make words not work for you but instead work with you.

worry tears of rain, strained from my worth in sin
heart of tin bursting from hate's flowing fire within
burning my skin till i expire from earth's entire spin
bless my next of kin, child with a father who's half there
why bother, i wouldn't dare to pass him this path of despair


-I read that part in like 10 seconds, and that’s only because when there’s the perfect combination of words and the meaning to which the words stand for, I can read rather quickly, but when it falls off I don’t read as fast. So the fact I read 5 lines within 10 seconds shows that that was perfect.

this is equal to a conversation with God hoping he'd reach you

- Great line. This line and the lines around it about god made me actually think you knew him lol.

When shame keeps testing & get’s you guessing the game
Switch frames & just get the game guessing the same


- That was amazing use of words. Mixing them up like that, that was great.

Just when you think life taste’s delicious
You come to find out it’s been served on dirty dishes


- Holy shit…that…damn!

Overall man, you always come great, this wasn’t one of your best pieces, but that doesn’t say much considering it was still amazing.


King of Theivez-
Alright, I’ll be blunt with this, don’t take offence to what I say, if anything try to learn from some of the points I have (that is, if you want to, if you don’t want to, that’s fine. Its up to you). Maybe its your style, the way you write, the way you form your verses, whatever, basically, I’m not really feeling you, but obviously some people like your way (since you got two votes).

am I dead or just high...I can't really decide...
feelin' deprived of nutrition while my inner entity fliez...
doez my girl really love me or is she after my cash...
am I really the only nigga that gets to be tappin' that ass...


- Ok, basically I found this to be a bad transition between different rhyme words, also their weren’t any internal rhyme’s or anything, so it didn’t sound right basically.


sometimez I wonder if in this world if there could be more answerz than questionz...

- The use of “if” made this line seem odd. Just the wording of it, the second “if” doesn’t really need to be there.

why is the only light at the end of the tunnel a cop's flashlight that's chasing after me...

- This was one of your better lines. Pretty good.

why do I continue to try to climb the eternal mountain of time...

- Good Metaphor.

that's why I can slit my veinz and drink my ice when it's cold...

- I didn’t get this really. Cold hearted? The word “ice” brings the illusion of ‘solid’, so I wasn’t to sure really what you meant.

at night I say my prayerz to see if God answerz any of the questionz that I have rightfully asked...

- This line almost doesn’t fit in, you didn’t give any foreshadowing towards it really. I mean, you didn’t really show you had a right to ask the questions…because since you haven’t got the answers, it seems you don’t have the right, cuz you haven’t been answered.



I felt Evolve had this, he came better in my opinion.
Overall you both did good, just Evolve did better.
Vote = Evolve
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