You definately need to work on all your basics.
Get a good structure.
Up your vocabulary, then it would've been better.
Work on your flow
and get a new topic, please, this is more played out then gameboy colors.
This was not a good piece, i wasn't feelin it, but elevation will help you out, learn from other vets open mics, and you'll get a picture. it works.

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Only God can judge me, Who THE FUCK IS YOU?!