Thread: ..::SlEeP::..
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Old 09-25-03, 12:11 PM   #2
Baron Mynd
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From: England
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Ehhhh. .
i wasnt feeling this piece a whole lot, vocab was basic, storytelling wasnt that good, you really need some sort of flow and not just basic one-syllable rhyming words, multi's and internals would spice this up waaaaaay more, try to get your lines an equal length syllable wise for flow, and ditch the // at the end of your lines because their just wack.
also:
Quote:
I cralled around untill i found a huge branch//
It K.O.'d the first dude an it smashed when it hit-him//

^There is no way on earth those two lines rhyme.
I see what you've meant to do, but yeah, you'll get better with practice so just keep writing and looking to improve, take this as Constructive Critisism - dont hate against me for saying i didnt like it, im just trying to help you by telling you where to improve.

Pz.
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