Quote:
Originally posted by pot1ent
I've tasted tears so sour from being designated above peers
I'm now wasted meer product thats just generated tough fear
Thoughts never hesitated, maybe why i'm making my mistake
Registering complaints but severing power so there restraint
Never arrayed but i have prayed...but it just doesn't happen
I don't want to be stereotyped!! Desired to be cussin rappin
Not admired for struttin detractin grades with expectations
Bigger than scientific equations to perform terrific and amazing
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I'm going to break this down into two parts in order to specifically clarify my critique . It was a briskly disappointing piece, I'm sorry to say . It wasn't necessarily your writing, but more along the lines of your mindset . To me, it seemed as if vocabulary and rhyme was forced; especially at the onset of your piece . For example:
Quote:
Thoughts never hesitated, maybe why i'm making my mistake
Registering complaints but severing power so there restraint
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I didn't quite understand the content or meaning of this line, unfortunately. It seemed out-of-place and strewn together for the sake of rhyme. I'd have changed it to something along the lines of:
"I never hesitate with thought - Maybe why I'm making my mistakes . .
I'd unleash my fury upon the masses . . But I hate partaking in debates."
That was off the top of my head, you can surely improve upon it. I want you to learn not to sacrifice content for any grammatical device - be it rhyme, flow, wordplay, etc.
Quote:
Originally posted by pot1ent
Illicit behavour pervaying...That is the worse thing imagined
School isn't difficult it's just that prioritys is being challenged
Like a samon it feels after my education its gonna fade away
Clocks now found running away from me so i'll just play a gay
Stay another day keepin with the times instead of being behind
Where did deprived enthusiasm deprive from? i'm unable to find
Constructions of our minds design...
You may not understand that..cuz thats me^^
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You started to get a bit more on track in the second-half of the piece . Still, you have some incessant words and phrases that throw off the content. .
Not necessarily bad writing, just bad decision-making . You ought to drop at least three to four Open Mics a week; as a matter of fact, as many as possible. You are starting to build on the foundation and if you take critique righteously, you're going to be the next big thing of Arby.
don't take it to heart, I want you to improve and you'll do so . Write more!