aight dude since this was ur first post i wont say everything i want to. let me try to say this nice. THAT WAS FUCKIN WACK! im just playin. first, try set up ur structure somethin like this-
xxxxxR, xxxxxR
xxxxxR, xxxxxR
-or-
RxxxxxxxxxxxR
RxxxxxxxxxxxR
just do what u want as long as its consistent, but i dont suggest u spit ur rhymes like that. try doin one line then the next one under the first. second, the wordplay and vocab need to be elevated alot in my opinion. try fittin in more metas and multis in ur verse to make it a better read. just keep workin on it man, keep postin and elevatin, u have true talent. good luck.

peace.....