you need some inner rhymes in there. the way you only rhyme the last word of each line makes it to simple. you had a few but your flow was boring.

you have potential but try to be orignial, everything you said has already been said by 20000000 other people. if your going to write a deep peace make it your own, to me it seemed like you were just repeating what you heard other songs nothing was really orignial.

but just keep working you will get better. like i said you show potential.