^^triplicity its to bad ur not givin the direction and guidance u suggest, aight dude, ima say u need to change ur structure somewhere close to this:

xxxxxxxxR, xxxxxxxR
xxxxxxxxR, xxxxxxxR
-or-
RxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxR
RxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxR
wit R bein the rhymin word
im also gonna say u need to pick a topic that u can write somethin deep, and interestin about, but im not gonna get on u to much bout that cause thats what i did on my first two post, so whatever. besides that the wordplay was ok, the vocab was pretty good, u show potential, just keep workin at it.

yo if u have the time can u hit up my post?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=82558
thanx

peace.....