err first off....
realist ur verse was very basic...a long word at the end of sentences didnt do ur writing any good
the flow was pretty off...not internals or multies to help it keep going
verse didnt really grip me at all...seemed like u put very little effort into it

masta...yours also flowed poorly...same bad points as above..u need to shorten your bars
your verse though at least seemed to have some meaning and thought put into it which made it all right to read
once again though didnt grip the readers attention
both lacked wordplay and imagery in their verses
and the chorus didnt really do much for it either...
keep posting...