You should have edited ur first post and re-posted the verse there......

Anyways....I thought this piece was weak...its like you were just writing down everything and anything to just get finished in time...and alot of it didnt make sense......other lines had terrible rhyming...e.g.

"so when the time arrives to go out and live our own lifes//
our minds have already been prepared to hold the old up with knifes//"

But thats my honest opinion....keep writing...keep elevating...keep trying [Like I am] and next time just stick to an overall one topic..........its like you got confused half way true and you were jotting down anything that rhymes...thats not what a good verse is...a good verse is something thought out and something with meaning.......And thats just my honest opinion.....PZZ