"so why tha fuck cant i hang up
i juss sit an hear ya shit tryin to keep my mouf shut
bout anutha nigga that got wut i want
u claim we're friends but u call only so u can taunt
fillin my ears wit gas inflatin my head
talkin like we soon gonna be together before i go to bed"


When you write lines so uneven it makes you piece
not come together as good as it could. Before you submit
look over it and think of which small words you can take
out to make it better.

"so im callin u now ta let u kno im dun dreamin
im wide awake passionately plottin an schemin
i got my own words ta make u feel like i did,"

your piece started out sounding defeated and just wondering
why you couldn't stop loving him or thinking and dreaming
about him. Here it doesn't have that, once you start with
one feeling you should continue with that same. When you
change sometimes you lose readers on the way to the end.


"cheese fa a rat, an candy for a kid"

And I don't understand how this line fits to the rest, any
interpretation you can give me?


"poetry for a sap with emotions easily tamed
but revenge is the only joy for a heart already slain"

I really enjoyed this line it was a good way to end it you don't
even have to have so many lines for a poem to be great and
to really get to the reader. Keep writing.

__________________
<BR><h3><color=black><center><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 width=300>*~*~*Lady Wun*~*~*</MARQUEE></color></center></h3>
<BR>
<BR><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=up LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 height=100> <center><font color=000000><I>*~*~*~*~*</p>I'm invisible to the unseen eye</p>I'm undeniable strength</p>*~*~*~*~*~*</p>Merk Squad</MARQUEE></center><I>