you had a nice idea, but in the beggining you started off with 10 syllables in each line and it flowed nice but towards the end it was up to 20, it kind of threw off the flow, if your going to rhyme 20 syllables in one line you need some inners so it flows better.

like the last 2 lines they rhymed better cause you hadd inner rhymes

people might be afraid to tell you anythign is wrong but im not, hopefully you respect that, i expect you to do the same if i ever return to open mics. speak the truth fuck all this groupie shit.

OH SHIT I LEFT THE LOUNGE!