yo man....i give better feed on more a verse, but from what i could see i would say you need to learn how to tighten your structure, so it flows better,

if you were to rhyme that in vocal, the flow would be bad, cos of the choppin of length of lines, other then that, the story telling was there, on topic most places, the vocab and wordplay was nice enough, just keep droppin and it will gradually elevate on its own