this wasn't bad but the repeating of shit from verse 1 to opener on verse 2 wasnt well thought...seperating bars and rhyming them with same word isnt to good on written text.
your emotions was obvious and that really ampolified this and took attention away from the flaws.
verse 3 cam nicely and again the emotion and wordplay was there.
you just lacked style in this it seams like you were unsure of yourself............be creative not just in topic but in delivery and wordusage......
you have great potential and a poets mind i see good things coming if you can just adjust and believe more in yourself.