sorry but the flow did fall off inseveral places (makes u wonder if half them read this^)
the actual topic wasnt original but kept myinterest because u used some interseting metaphores in it
some good vocabulary used thru out however to help the flow u cud use some more internals rhyming and multies cos i think as it is u'll be struggling to make it sound good with the bars as they are...some of the enders on the sentences also didnt rhyme
apart from that ^ its close to the best ive seen from you
you've begun to improve nearly every drop and your topics content has become alot more interesting to the reader