I quoted this coz I feel it's the most effective of the whole peice, I think you'd be better off not using couplets so often... Good read, good post, good thougt an creativity put into your work...

"Battle scares on my arm from the wisdom thoughts of death
focused on hell because i wasnt blessed i die in my every rest
A state of conquest is that i shall recieve my last request
my morals are simple "try to hide" being a misty ghost is my quest
I'm not a rebelious character i am expierar to god in every aspect
yet I was chosen to go to sleep an die wake up hates suspect"

PS Uppin 4 feed bk on my work too

'Is it me your looking for"