if ya went some proper feedback, here goes.........
your lines are way too short, and it would flow alot better if you changed your rhyming scheme, so that you ryhme atleast a couple of words in each line.......also try and keep the sructure the same thru the verse, i think this is a good starting point, then try introducing some multis and some wrd play.........oh i forgot, im my eyes the main thing is to find sumthin that you can relate to write bout this......it will come across better.......peace dawg!