first off you gotta think of a new structure so people can read it more easily like instead of usin commas point out the end of your lines a lot more coz to be honest that verse was hard to read.

Also work on using multis i think your rhymes would sound a lot better if you did use multis and work on your wordplay too this rhyme was aight to be honest i dun usual like this kinda rhymin but i still read it through LoL
anyway keep workin on yah rhymes

Peace

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