your idea using stanzas was good.
and you went witha traditional rhyming scheme... that's definately ok. bu tyou were lacking in content and description. The type of poem you were tyring to put forth here couldn't happen because you restricted yourself with writing. For it to have enough description you would have had to have made it much longer or taken a more abstract approach... the poem didn't fit the style.
I know it's cliche to say but i think that this was attributed to your decision to go with the structure you chose. You were bound by line length and rhymes. It can be difficult.
Definately a good effort adn I wouldn't put it down but I'd work either taking a more abstract approach in the future or have more imagery and description.
The ending didn't have a strong impact because there wasn't enough content in the poem leading up to it.
.peace.
.peace.

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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.