Thread: Park Life
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Old 11-12-03, 11:58 AM   #6
Baron God
Middle Weight
 
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Posts: 481
From: England
IP:

It wasnt a bad piece to be fair, i caught on to most of the wordplay in this, the flow started off strong but gradually fell off as it carried on, you had a couple of nice idea's in there, but you ruined them with your transition, rather than working with one concept then moving on gradually, you seemed to skip from idea to idea with no real content inbetween to link the throughts together. You had the basics down, but still, more internals would of strengthened the flow to this piece, and if you re-worded a few of the bars slightly they would give off more of an 'impact' if you will on the viewer as they read it. All in all this wasnt bad, a few flaws here and there you need to iron out, but that'll come with practice, the potentials there, just build on it.

Peon!
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