This was pretty good.
Before I start I want you to know that I'm aware that your a rather new writer..well here anyway... and I'm not trying to put you down or dis you but I critique seriously and don't put up with shit.
This wasn't bad at all though. Ideas were good..sorta things that people go through all the time. You didn't do a bad job of putting it together however your piece seemed as though it wasn't quite organized properly. Seperating parts of your poem by using stanzas works very well, and it helps the piece feel more organized and coherent. You could go striaght down a page like you did as a writing style but here I didn't get that sense.... for a few reasons.
little-to-no punctuation...this includes capitla letters.
proofreading wasn't apparent... work on that it actually make s ahuge difference to the reader and to yourself when you come back to old pieces.
and the rhyme structure wasn't consistent. this isn't a bad thing on its own, I'm just saying that it lead me to the belief that you didn't write this with structure near the top of your mind.
Sometimes seperating stanzas byu rhyme works sometimes mixing that shit up works better.... its your choice.

my chest, rise and fall, wasted air again
^^this line was powerful and emotional... very good.
That's the power of language for you... wonderful line.

couple other things I would';ve loved to have pointed out but sorry dude.... gotta run.
really nicely done done though for an early piece. Think about what I said...you don't need to take the advice though...good luck.
.peace.

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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.