i think you should take this and add more on like you were thinking, its a good start, and you could make it into a very good piece. but even if you were to leave it here, without adding more, it still would have a nice ending. you intro to this was pretty good, your rhyme structure i think at the first was a bit to much, but it got better the farther throu. you showed thoughts and emotins pretty well, but i feel they could be stronger, try adding more emotion and thoughts to the next but you add.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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