You did a good job with this one. However I think that the way you used 'you' and directed it towards someone else throws it off.
Is there a specific group your talking to or just people in general? The 'punk rock' line threw me off there.... if it is general then impact is lost through the narrative and if it is specific than it is a niave narrative.
So the concept is great and you did a pretty good job putting it together but you lack clarity and because of that, validity.

keep elevtin' bro.
.peace.

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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.