i see what ur tryin to do
experimenting with floow structure etc
but for me this doesnt work..in audio maybe but as a text piece nah
some nice wordplay in there had me chuckling
flow was very choppy.i tried a piece similar to this and found the flow becomes erratic unless u can make the lines stick out rhyming wise from rhyming line..skip...to rhyming line
also short bars minimise content i think
reducing effectiveness of verses
thats my thoughts
keep doing ur shit though