Emotion...
this was a hard read...your rhyming was not where i expected so i had to change the pace to try and accomdate your verse...the imagry was nice and the approach was good...i felt it could have used a litte more vocab here and there

deacon...
wow....i was impressed with the level of imagry you had here...doing it first person was a good idea for this...only flaw was this part

Aimed up my head focused on a bomber with the wings of a bird and the teeth of a piranah..

It really, really threw me off...

Vote - Deacon