this piece was ok
your CONTINUOUS rhyme outside the ends of bars made the flow kind of shaky, and the vocab being weak added to that
it read as if you were trying to get complex/try a new approach to writing, but you didnt take all the techniques into play
this piece was ok, try to elevate vocab, and make it(vocab) along with the structure match the complexity and emotion your trying to portray from your piece
overall...ok
keep elevatin, keep writin
~Sage~

__________________
~.:Soft Focus:.~
{--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --}
{-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-}
{--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--}
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{ --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--}
Poetry
Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten
Understanding Once Again
"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom:
the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."