i like the topic you chose... some people really feel that way but hide it from everybody... it was strong in the beginning and started straying from everything that was making it a GREAT read toward the end. Saty focused... it's okay to go back and rewrite stuff if you feel it ain't right... you'll know when it's right!... it's like they say, you're usually ya own worst critic!... if you think it's garbage or sounds like sum'n you wouldn't listen to from another artist then chuck it... at the same time ya gotta remember to stay original and build ya own style... don't copy what others do but expand and create off of the greats... keep that whole vivid vocab selection and imagery you were using in the beginning... buld off of that since that seems to be your strong point... then you can work on ya focus.... ya gotta stay on the subject and it's gotta flow...like a movie.... when ya got those two things down you can work on ya structure to bring everything together... omma real critical type of guy and i go over my own stuff worse than anyone i know.... also remember that when ya gotta title like the one you had ya hafta think about the length of the rhyme... this was entirely too short and should have been worked on more thoroughly.... if you would have taken ya time to write this i'm sure it would have been a lot better...it wasn't bad... but it still needs work.... keep writin' dawg! as long as you view these critiques as sum'n that'll help you in the long run you'll be fine