You need to leave 3 links or 3 names of peoples you left feedback too or this will get deleted...

But this was alright....structure wise it was pretty good i thought...your vocab was pretty decent in this, it could be up'd a little bit though...your flow was ok, it got off at a few points and like Pot1ent said use some multies and internals to help the flow out....but overall this was alright...keep at it.