Heh ..
It seemed keyed up, but i think if you put your mind to it you could become a decent writer here .. the opening two lines show you've got an idea of what good writing is, clashes like that are used by a LOT of good writers, i'll tell you that. Your main aspect to improve on is the rhyme structure, go for words of more than one syllable and try to include more multi's and internals into what you write. Topics like this have been done many, MANY times before - if your gonna start off, try to write to original topics, heartfelt stuff, with imagery and emotion in them, dont just stick to generic topics when your thinking.
Just a bit of advice for ya. = )
Reply if you get time:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=95933