It's not a bad piece. You could use a bit more complexity to your wording. However, I liked it. I thought it was an interesting read. There was something else I was thinkin...but I don't remember...and I'm DEFINITELY not reading that big long verse twice....oh yeah. Repitition. Try to cut down on it. Feel me? Using the same word more then once....shortly after you just used it....kinda detracts from the verse. Not a bad piece though.