This wasnt bad .. flow came off on a couple of occasions and
threw me slightly .. imagery was decent, writers voice wasnt
as strong as id of liked it to of been. Really grasp hold of what
you want to say and then go from there .. work with it .. don't
sacrifice the content for a lack of rhyming words .. if you can't
get one to fit - try rewording it or re-phrasing the sentence ..
cause thats what i felt held you back with this piece, wording.
Also .. you seemed to stick to the same rhyming pattern, i'd
of liked you to switch up up occasionally, just something to ..
keep the reader interested .. hold their attention more .. like i
said, the flow to this wasn't bad, but with more multi's and a
few internals, you could liven this piece up easily .. all in all it
wasn't bad though, a decent read .. a nice topic to drop to actually .. although, i hated all the ^^ and stuff, dont do that in open mics man .. its pointless. Even in text it seems stupid, haha .. nice meaning beyond it though, even though you did come across scrooge like at the end. = )


Woah .. long reply. My bad.

Reply to my RSTL sheiiiiiiiiiiit ..

Pz

__________________
W o r d P e r f e c t