White: Your flow was kind of off throughout the piece, and Maven is right, they don't rhyme because not only do they need the same ending, but they need to have the same ammount of syllables. Good story, you had a nice lil twist, and you were very ambitious in your story. I liked it very much...

Deacon: Powerful story, well developed, you knew exactly what lines to stress, and it gave a very nice effect. Flow was off also, rhyming was decent, a few things were off, but no one is perfect. You had a much better story, and better Diction, Syntax, and Tone.

Vote=Deacon

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