Like Skiddz said..
Stay away from the ghetto shit talking..
Try to be more of a deep inspired writer..
Work on getting your feelings and emotions in your text..
So that the readers know and understand just where you're coming from.. Overall it wasn't that bad.. Work on your structure and basically what everyone else said..
No hate..
Good luck in the future homie..

__________________
Respect is all I'm after.
Prime effort is all you can expect.
Perfection will be promised in time.

The Creation