it seems like you scarificed flow in order to have a large vocab.
Vocabulary can be important in a rhyme, but if you can say something prfound with simple words, and good flow, why ditch that for larger words that mean the same thing?
Try to concentrate on your flow and your message as opposed to your vocab, because it will come with practice.

oh, and when you reply to others, try to give them constructive criticism. it's all good to tell them something generally about the piece, but try to go in depth so that they know what they need to improve on.
thanks.

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